In My Mind

Why do girls constantly bitch and complain about men thinking of them and using them only for sex when they’re the ones making it that way? Girls, if you don’t want guys to think of you as sex objects then please think before you make your username, take your profile picture, write your about me, post any picture, post on tumblr, twitter, facebook, etc. BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING INVOLVING THE INTERNET PLEASE THINK “Does this seem provocative?” “Is this making some kind of hidden innuendo?” It’s not cute, and it pisses me off because I’m a girl too and you are degrading my gender. Don’t complain about that kind of stuff when you are the one that makes it that way. And by the way while I’m ranting: LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS I CAN SEE YOUR UNDERWEAR OR LACK OF UNDERWEAR AND YOUR TINY T-SHIRT IS NOT COVERING IT YOU ARE EMBARRASSING THE FUCK OUT OF YOURSELF. If you are a bigger girl, accept the fact that you are a bigger girl, don’t try to stuff yourself into a two size too small piece of clothing, it can hurt you and its not comfortable and it’s not making you look thinner. That last part comes from someone who was a bigger girl and is still pretty curvy. Embrace them curves, make them sexy, not lumpy. RESPECT YOURSELF.

If I could tell you anything, everything that I’ve ever wanted to, would you listen? Would you accept it? Embrace it? Smile? Or run away?

If I could tell you the truth of how I feel about you whether it be good or bad, would you care?

If I could say just one thing to change your life, what would it be?

Do I mean anything to you? If we passed each other while walking down a busy street would you even care to recognize me and say hello?

Are we friends or are we just people that the other person knows?

I’m constantly thinking these things about everyone. EVERYONE. Everyone I meet, everyone I speak to, care about, am friends with, have been in a relationship with, have been friends with, talk to from time to time, everyone. I write letters. I write all of these things into letters in my notebooks and I tear them out and read them over out loud to myself, and then burn them. I’m afraid that if people knew my true thoughts and feelings about them that they would run away from me, leave me, never speak to me again. I need to get over this self-consciousness, this fear.

But I can never see it happening. I even do it when I text people. If it takes me an abnormal amount of time to text you back its because I’ve redone the message a few times because of that fear, or I made a joke but since I have a VERY sarcastic and dark sense of humor I don’t think you would get it and I erased it. Then I send back something short. I feel awkward all the time. I’m an awkward person. It was really bad in high school. I’d try to talk to people, I would write a note, or want to say something, sometimes even walk up to them. But I ended up ripping that note up, staring blankly at someone like a creeper, or just standing there like an idiot trying to come up with some excuse as to why I was standing there. If there wasn’t a bookshelf or something I might have needed behind you, I was fucked. I’m that kid that was quiet, the one that sat there in class doodling in a notebook the entire period. I’d talk to some people. But those people weren’t my friends, they just started talking to me first and then I felt like a bitch for not responding. A lot of those people turned out to be very horrible people. In fact, about 6 out of the 10 people I did talk to turned out to be horrible people. Four of them people I was around constantly thinking we were friends.

But back to my point, I’m awkward. I ramble, I make no sense, I’m dark at times, I’m weird, I go into these scenarios in my head during conversations and say them out loud with actions. I’m scared that being like this will scare everyone away. That no one will ever embrace my weirdness, no one will ever love me for it, that I will never find someone with the same weirdness and then we will never fall into combined weirdness which becomes love. I’ve only ever met one person who was as awkward as I was, that liked a lot of the same things I do only to find out he thought I was weird. I want someone that doesn’t care how weird I am. Even if it’s a friend that I can share the weirdness and the awkwardness with. I want someone who understands why I purposely make myself seem dumb and why I  hide my emotions and intelligence.

There I go again, rambling. I’m just going to stop this here…

We are brand new. Every day we laugh, we cry, we scream, we win, and we lose. For you I’m running but the rate my feet move this is worthless. The ones who see the ones that believe in love are blinded by the lie in the middle. There is no love there is only lust. The romantic time has past but I’m left behind. And you’re eyes to me they are my lights in shades of blue. I’m cheesy so pass the wine and crackers my way so that I can leave. I believe in romance but I ve been waiting for miracles in this world of words that make no sense I guess I’m a perfectionist. So leave me here and pass on by but could you spare some change I need to buy a new life. And as you walk away I remember the days we spent and the nights we wasted our hands together fingers intwined eyes full of sparkle and lips locked tight. The way you smiled in our kiss and all the things that I will miss. I’m finally letting you go. The fire in our hearts was extinguished by barbie dolls and you wanted to find yourself some plastic to fill in all the cracks in what you didn’t find in me. So here I am my love, here I am my memory. I release you from my hands and set you free like a child captures a butterfly to open their hands to peek inside and see the little butterfly suffering in their grasp and open their arms and just like a butterfly you will gracefully fly away from me. Goodbye love. It was nice to meet you I will remember forever but you already forgot who I am.

what-i-see:

1. The meaning behind my URL
2. Weakness
3. Best friend(s)
4. Last time I cried and why
5. Piercings I have
6. Favorite Band
7. Biggest turn off(s)
8. Fact about my sex life
9. Tattoos I want
10. Biggest turn on(s)
11. Age
12. Ideas of a perfect date
13. Life goal(s)
14. Piercings I want
15. Relationship status
16. Favorite movie
17. A fact about my life
18. Phobia
19. Full name
20. Tattoos I have

(Source: ilikestrawbs)

You love me? Prove it. Show me. Don’t ask me how. Just do it. I’ve been showing you how I love you for so long now, your turn. If you love me you’d know how to show me.